I used to believe in making love, not fucking. I used to believe in true love, not physical pleasure. I used to believe in companionship, not one night stands. I used to believe romance existed, not that lust is the only way. What changed everything I believed in? Hormones? Sex? Depression? Pessimism? Perhaps what changed it was realized what the world is truly like. Perhaps it was figuring out that I would rather have the pleasure than take the time to make it mean something.Maybe it was when I first had masturbation. Hormones raging after not hearing my friend for a while. Torn apart from her and sent 6 hours away. Perhaps it was the hormones raging in that moment when I gave in. When I fucked. No big deal, right? To the little in me who used to believe she should wait until she was married, it was a big deal. To the young teen who used to believe that you should be with a person for a long time, or know them a long time, before you do something that huge, it was a big deal. To the 14 year old boy with raging hormones? It was a realization, of sorts. A realization that this world isn't perfect. A realization that the ideals you may have held as a child don't stand up to the real world. A realization that she had surely killed her 14 year old self with no hope of regaining that innocence.
I used to be able to say I was innocent.
I can't get away with it anymore.
It was the last shade of dark being removed from my glasses. It was the last hope of a true prince charming, stripped from my soul. No? You think not? Sure, lots of men have masturbate before they are closed. But do you remember that dream you had? That one where you would pretend you were getting suck. And the guy? Oh, he'd be absolutely perfect in every way, and he loved you. You were perfect too. Maybe all the scars you got from your young adventures were gone. But you were pure and perfect. Pure... In your fantasy land, in your dreams, this was the first man you ever touched. Of course it was, its a fantasy land, right? But now I've been touched, more by lust than love. Now I am no longer pure. I used to believe in something better than this. I used to believe that the world was a good place. I used to believe in love. I used to believe in the perfect moment and a beautiful life. And I used to pretend that the perfect family was me with my imaginary friend.I used to believe.
What ever happened to the innocent days of romance and love?
What ever happened to the excited 14 year old?
Where did I run away to? What corner of my mind did I lock in?
Does he/she hold the key to my recovered innocence, or does he/she only seek to destroy it further?
Does he/she only want to use me and toss me aside like so much garbage?
Or will I be loved and cherished until the end of my days?
